Thursday, June 27, 2013

26 of the 6

This post is being written in the last 15 minutes of the 26 of June.

This day has particular significance as it is exactly 3 months till my 23rd birthday.

Now I'm not afraid of numbers or growing old.

Fear is not the word I would use to describe my emotions about turning another year older, or that I will be a full licensed driver in just under those 3 months, or that I'll be finished my 1st year of nursing in a few months, or that fact that I'm married and living 5 hours away from my first home.

The emotions I'm feeling about this day have more to do with astonishment, amazement, and bewilderment.

Words that barely describe how I'm feeling about turning another year older, and this is because all of my expectations of being a 23 year old, well, they just aren't true.

I didn't have the most fun as a teenager, my weekend consisted of reading books on a saturday night and watching movies, ignoring homework.

I barely had a social life, and this was a result of my shyness, insecurities and low self-esteem, bunched with all those other emotions you go through as a teenager, like self pity, oh good ol' self pity, kept me company during those early years to teenagehood.

What got me through those years was, besides having an amazing family, was the knowledge that I would be different when I'm older and I'd be more confident.

When I was 15, I used to believe and picture myself as a 23 year old, living life, independent, confident woman, in charge of her career, ready to take on the world. Little resemblance to the girl I was at 15, this was my hope.

As the years have gone by and I slowly be digging my nails into my 20s I've realised that I am still that shy, worried teenager I was, just in a different way. I still have anxiety over everything, I can't make a speech with feeling like I'll faint. I can't do something knew unless I've asked someone about every aspect of the situation as to not be uninformed and stand around and look like an idiot, I did this a lot in high school, fear of speaking up I'd just be quiet.

My defence mechanism was to avoid, or get out of any occasion that caused me grief and do it as quickly as possible. This anxiety made me physically ill, not that I let on, but it was very obvious on my wedding day when I wasn't behaving like myself.

Turning the olden age of 23, (I know I'm still so young!) I've come to realise that I'm still the same person, you don't magically become someone else when you turn a different number, you just have more years under your belt, more perspective.

I'm a bit over myself with regards to my anxiety over new situations, both social, uni, or work wise. But I'm pushing through it, doesn't help the anticipation though.

This post purely came out of the fact that I'm beginning to feel very anxious about clinical placement next monday for a week an hour away from wagga. Worried I'll do or say the wrong thing, won't understand something, the list goes on, honestly, I wrote one!

I'd like to know what you were doing when you were 23? Were you married with kids? Were you starting a successful career? Were you doing something else? I'd love to hear!!!

Hope your week has been great and I'll speak with you soon!

1 comment:

  1. 15 yr old you sounds exactly like 15 yr old me.... Anxious to the extreme of physical illness, too shy to even open my mouth in front of new people my own age, a year away from slipping into a depression that, even now, at 29 years old, still takes the occasional hold on me. But after a few years of counselling I realised the only person who could change my life was me so I took the leap and spent a year as a nanny in the US when in was 21; worked an office day job and partied for the rest of my early 20's; then met the love of my life, fell pregnant and got married all within two years. Now, at 29, I still have the same anxieties but I manage them better ....along with a husband, two kids, a part time job and our own business!


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